If you know me, have worked with me, or read my blogs you know that I believe in the power of understanding your own story. We all have a story whether it’s unconscious or in your conscious awareness. It’s the story you tell yourself about yourself. It is the narrative that runs through your head and drives your decisions, behaviors, and thoughts.
Your story is typically told by the voice of your ego.
Your ego is part of your being that has learned through experience there are certain things you should and should not do to protect yourself, avoid negative consequences, or get what you think you want. It’s the voice that quiets your soul and does not allow you to live in your truth because of fear. For me, it tries to keep me small so I can live out my false narrative about never being good enough (it’s an old narrative I have attached onto from being raised by an ultra-critical mother).
I share all this because I recently had an experience where I realized that I am really F#%&-Up. Yep, I said it! I am F#%&-Up because with all my personal focus on growth and learning, reading, studying, vision quests, and desert retreats I continue to have moments where I fall back into the old narrative and royally screw myself over. I fall back into this victim role and allow the voice of my ego to tell me I will never be good enough. I am literally LOL right now at how ridiculous I am.
You are probably wondering what the hell I am talking about and whether I have gone mad.
Well, let me tell you, my story. I was introduced to a book called Existential Kink, by Carolyn Elliott, Ph.D. If you want to unkink yourself, I recommend you buy it, and we start a book club so together we can wrap our heads around how F-ed up we really are.
I LOVE this book! It’s an edgy take on how we need to start looking more closely at our own sadomasochistic ways of being. Yes, we actually find joy and pleasure in inflicting emotional and mental pain upon ourselves and others. Without even realizing it we inflict pain and suffering and secretly love it. Think about it. How many times have you repeated the same patterns in your life landing in the same place you started? Maybe it’s a relationship, a job, feeling like a victim, depressed or powerless. You hate that it’s all happened again. You feel sad, frustrated, and angry. Well, it’s time to acknowledge you actually did it to yourself intentionally, and now you need to un-F#%& yourself.
Carolyn writes about duality. Pleasure/pain, light/darkness, good/bad we have to experience both ends of the spectrum in order to be whole human beings. But we need to openly and honestly accept that we find joy in the painful suffering. We need to laugh at our sadomasochistic ways and realize how ridiculous it all is then start doing the work. First, accept how F#%&ed up you are so you can quiet your ego and enliven your soul. Then accept that you enjoy the pain and misery, the mind-rattling rumination about how you [insert your personal storyline], and then you will set yourselves free.
I strongly recommend Existential Kink, by Carolyn Elliott, Ph.D. if you want to get super honest with yourself about taking kinky delight in being sadomasochistic and inflicting pain and suffering upon yourself. This book will help dissolve negative patterns and a story narrative that keeps you in a life you are not supposed to be living.
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